Posted on

Cloak 

I was looking for my cloak 
But it wasn’t outside of me
I am the cloak

Housing my nervous system
Containing my blood
Protecting my heart 


I was wary of the wolf
But it wasn’t outside of me either 
I’m the only wolf now 

Stalking my own vulnerability 
Ready to trick me
Eyes glinting from the shadows


I wanted to show love to my Grandmother
But she wasn’t outside of me either 
I am my grandmother

She is in me
And the reverence I show myself 
Honours all of the grandmothers 
Whose stories I breathe


So I filled my basket with goodness 
And I carry that treasure within me
Self-nourishing
So that I may stride
Upright and belonging
Into the forest


And in the clearing
I seek my healing 
And my healing happens 
Through relationship
Through connection
Through safety

I am here in the clearing
And I see that you are here too


Copyright 2021

https://youtu.be/29Tl6EZjtis written to honour the release of this single by majestic creatrix Jex Lopez ♥️

Posted on

Cigarettes 

Can you go buy me cigarettes

She rasps from the dark cocoon of wherever she is with her demons 
On the mattress on my bedroom floor

I take my school uniform off and change into civvies
Put on some mascara so the 7/11 guy will sell to me

Come back with the goods 

She’s still there 
Deep in her turmoil
But also she sees me
As I bring her lighter 

I was raped
She drops it
Like a bowling ball through a glass table
My feet beneath.

I feel the impact
On my childhood
On my innocence
On my place as her daughter 

As she discloses
For the first time in her life
Nearly fifty years old 
Her vast history of horrific sexual assault

In graphic detail 
Of the violence
Of the humiliation 
Of the insidious threats to silence her 

A suite of stories 
That I now see as almost universally thematic for so many women

But her first telling
Was my first hearing

And already I had my own
Silenced stories
Tucked away inside so many poky corners of my soul

She draws on her dart
Exhaling putrid smoke
Into my asthmatic face 
She’s feeling that relief 
Of no longer carrying it alone 

Meanwhile
My feet feel the bruise of the bowling ball impact
My soul is writhing with the discomfort of being made the listener 

She looks at my face
Hers switches up and she blinks
Dons the facade of adult
And says

You’d better put your uniform on and get to school


Copyright 2021

Posted on

12022021 

Today’s date is 12-02-2021
Hooray!
So tidy 💝

I appreciate this.

Velvet cushions surround me
In shades of blue and gold
Why would I wish to 
Leave this nest?

I am held here.

The tea is hot and near.

My body is comfortable.

I can feel the softness

and after a while

I remember:

It is safe for me to breathe deeply
with my eyes open.

breathing in I calm my body 
breathing out I smile
dwelling in the present moment 
I know that I am safe


This nest that is my refuge
where rest wraps herself
around me
most tenderly 

Drip drop

Plink plop

Away fall the strains
as I willingly unbind myself
from the chains of mental anguish
shhhhhhhh

I am safe now.

What incredible hard work it has taken

How vague and mysterious this statement 

The “incredible hard work” was done 
Diligently
Courageously
Persistently

For fuck’s sake Fuckers, it was ME!!!

I am the one who has worked
and worked
and worked

Worked to repair the smashing 
of an exquisitely perfect spirit

And still
There is an outraged little girl inside me
SCREAMING in resistance 
That it is absolute bullshit
That I
Or anybody else
Should’ve EVER have to use 
their precious life energy 
to tidy up the abhorrent, intolerable,
devastating MESS 
left behind 
by selfish oppressors 
over 
and over
and over
again
again
again.




The grace
to acknowledge the gift 
of being invited
to learn my strength
is not available to me today.
I wanted that strength 
to live a full and beautiful life
you cunts,
a life that showcased and celebrated 
the world-changing brilliance 
that I was born with
That strength was my birthright 
And look now.

Look.

Look how I have to draw on it instead 
to rewire my brain 
into being able to believe 
that it is safe for me
to get out of bed.
I rise.




I rise and surge.



I rise and surge and triumph.







Might get dressed soon...












(Copyright 12-02-2021)