Newtown ain’t what it was in the nineties


Walking alongside
the ghosts of adolescent memories
preserved like so many
Pompeii corpses

in back lanes
alley ways
parks
and cemeteries
as though no time has passed.

Holding the hand of the girl
who learned fear and compliance
at the hands
of so many entitled jerks

“It’s ok”
I whisper to her
“I’m here now.”

“Together
we can kick ‘em in the shins
and run

to the underground dance party
where our people
shine
in their white singlets, nipples erect, freak flags flying high…”

My ghosts, they smile,
tears in their young wide eyes
as they squeeze my hand
and nod
with the certainty they always deserved.

The bees

Stored in our bodies

For all this time

As cruelty reigned

Cold and hard

And we knew those soft and warm among us

Were not safe

The bees

Buzzing inside

Out-noising our minds

Keeping us stiff

Alert

Afraid

The bees

Vibrating constantly

So that our jaws may never unclench

The bees

Tying us up from inside

Nervous system overdrive

The bees

So long they resided within us

We forgot that we were not made from them

The bees

Swarming

Storming

Stripped of warning

The bees

Explode from our mouths

As we sigh in relief

At the end of the season

Of harsh tyrrany

The bees

Roaring

Imploring

The noise in our heads

Spills out unchecked

As at last

The women of Australia

Release

The bees

(C) Zoe Xanadu 2022

On the occasion of our historical release from an abusive government.

Breastfeeding

I remember 

It was years ago now

Sitting in a privacy cubicle in the parents’ room in the middle of a shopping centre


Conditioned air
Piped muzak
Grubby curtains
Playschool on the tele on the other side of them

Seeking some rest before attempting
The epic effort of loading the car with baby and self
Back to the place of endless labour
and insufficient sleep

Feeling a little self pity
At my lot
As a single mother
not by choice

And a voice
From the next cubicle
Where two local mums had been talking
Cuts through my ruminations

“Babydaddy’s a useless C##T anyway
All he ever does is
Smoke ice
And
F**k putrid hoes.”

Yes, I remember that.

Cigarettes

Can you go buy me cigarettes

She rasps from the dark cocoon of wherever she is with her demons
On the mattress on my bedroom floor

I take my school uniform off and change into civvies
Put on some mascara so the 7/11 guy will sell to me

Come back with the goods

She’s still there
Deep in her turmoil
But also she sees me
As I bring her lighter

I was raped
She drops it
Like a bowling ball through a glass table
My feet beneath.

I feel the impact
On my childhood
On my innocence
On my place as her daughter

As she discloses
For the first time in her life
Nearly fifty years old
Her vast history of horrific sexual assault

In graphic detail
Of the violence
Of the humiliation
Of the insidious threats to silence her

A suite of stories
That I now see as almost universally thematic for so many women

But her first telling
Was my first hearing

And already I had my own
Silenced stories
Tucked away inside so many poky corners of my soul

She draws on her dart
Exhaling putrid smoke
Into my asthmatic face
She’s feeling that relief
Of no longer carrying it alone

Meanwhile
My feet feel the bruise of the bowling ball impact
My soul is writhing with the discomfort of being made the listener

She looks at my face
Hers switches up and she blinks
Dons the facade of adult
And says

You’d better put your uniform on and get to school


Copyright 2021

Opti-mist

This magic mist
of Daybreak

Can I store some in my lungs
and breathe it out
much later on
when I need to remember
this perfect purity?

When I am still in bed
The way I feel
the weight of the world
and all its things
is different

Later,
When I’m up,
The support of recent sleep
and lovely sheets
and so many velvet cushions
will have receded

The replenishment I feel at dawn
will have depleted

And the hope I rely on
to carry on believing
that I can put all the clean washing away
or smash the patriarchy
will need a recharge



And so then,
in that moment of need,
if I can breathe
into my depth
and exhale
some of this early morning magic
I might be able to remember
to go gently.







Copyright 2021

Regeneration

My girlfriend says she wants
to get a truck
and line them up
and run them over

Ok..
I think,
... that could be good...

...but what of the seeds they’ve dropped?
the seeds just like the ones from which they grew
already sprouting,
spouting entitlement
and ownership
and so much unpaid rent.
What of this invasive weed?


The weed that leads Prime Ministers
to describe women as “finding ourselves in vulnerable situations”

The weed that means that when women demand - request - suggest safety,
Men get angry.

Not all men.

It’s true.
There are men like native plants, unobtrusive, growing well, supporting an ecology of healthy growth in the recovering, adapting rainforest of the truth of human nature.

Quick!

Create a nursery!
Support these plants to propagate and flourish!
Let the birds spread their seed, shitting indiscriminately over
Formal Gardens
Infested Riverbanks
And Backyards the world over.

Let the feminist men multiply.
Let the weeds be made redundant
by the fabulous and unapologetic spread of sweet grevillia!

The age of the dominance of
Morning Glory
is ending.

It was never ok to rub that on your cousin as she slept.

Copyright 2021

12022021

Today’s date is 12-02-2021
Hooray!
So tidy 💝

I appreciate this.

Velvet cushions surround me
In shades of blue and gold
Why would I wish to
Leave this nest?

I am held here.

The tea is hot and near.

My body is comfortable.

I can feel the softness

and after a while

I remember:

It is safe for me to breathe deeply
with my eyes open.

breathing in I calm my body
breathing out I smile
dwelling in the present moment
I know that I am safe


This nest that is my refuge
where rest wraps herself
around me
most tenderly

Drip drop

Plink plop

Away fall the strains
as I willingly unbind myself
from the chains of mental anguish
shhhhhhhh

I am safe now.

What incredible hard work it has taken

How vague and mysterious this statement

The “incredible hard work” was done
Diligently
Courageously
Persistently

For fuck’s sake Fuckers, it was ME!!!

I am the one who has worked
and worked
and worked

Worked to repair the smashing
of an exquisitely perfect spirit

And still
There is an outraged little girl inside me
SCREAMING in resistance
That it is absolute bullshit
That I
Or anybody else
Should’ve EVER have to use
their precious life energy
to tidy up the abhorrent, intolerable,
devastating MESS
left behind
by selfish oppressors
over
and over
and over
again
again
again.




The grace
to acknowledge the gift
of being invited
to learn my strength
is not available to me today.
I wanted that strength 
to live a full and beautiful life
you cunts,
a life that showcased and celebrated
the world-changing brilliance
that I was born with
That strength was my birthright 
And look now.

Look.

Look how I have to draw on it instead
to rewire my brain
into being able to believe
that it is safe for me
to get out of bed.
I rise.




I rise and surge.



I rise and surge and triumph.







Might get dressed soon...












(Copyright 12-02-2021)

Maths is hard for girls

This is a forum post I wrote for uni after collecting data on gender bias in the classroom. Mr Andrews is a fictitious teacher, but his unconscious bias demonstrated for learning purposes in the video stirred me up.

Based on data collected using the duration recording technique, I measured that overall Mr Andrews spent more than twice as much time talking to boys than girls during the maths lesson.

He also interacted with boys twice as many times as he did with girls.

He only ever addressed the class as a whole as ‘guys’, called the boys by their names often but called girls ‘darling’, gave twice as much positive feedback, to boys, with multiple repetitions of ‘excellent, well done, good boy’ for correct answers, and even a whole-class round of applause for one boy; where girls giving correct answers were often responded to with a neutral ‘ok’. Mr Andrews offered boys extra vocab and very close help, including holding the protractor for them, giving physical examples of angles, pointing to the page, giving them the answer then praising them for getting it right, even writing the answer in for one boy. When it was time to move on to text book work, he walked the boy over to the books and gave a detailed explanation, and for a girl he just gave a short verbal instruction. At least three times, girls with their hands up were ignored, and even when a boy gave a wrong answer but had the first letter right, Mr Andrews said ‘it starts with R, that’s exactly right’. He allowed boys to talk over girls, and when didn’t give girls anywhere near the same level of scaffolded prompting he gave to boys. He also made much closer physical contact with the boys.

Overall, he seemed to convey that he believed it was important for the boys to get it, and that they at least needed to believe in their right to believe in their own abilities.  Sadly for the girls in the class, their understanding doesn’t seem to be as highly valued.  This is likely to set them up to believe that it doesn’t matter if they don’t get it, that they’re not expected to get it as well as the boys, and that they don’t deserve the same airspace as they boys in class.  Obviously this narrows their options in terms of career paths and course choices in university if they have been taught reduced self efficacy in STEM subjects.  Being patronised for wanting to engage in their learning, whilst boys are being given so much extra support increases the disparity.  This is so unhealthy for the classroom ecology, not just for the girls, but for the boys as well.  Male privilege is unearned and harmful to society, so having it normalised within an educational setting during childhood makes it a bigger job for these children to undo as their agency increases in life.  Grooming young males to believe in their own entitlement as being a higher priority than that of females underpins domestic and sexual violence, as well as disparity in workplaces and governments.  So I believe it is imperative that teachers are working to redress this consciously and fairly in our approach to the students in our classrooms. 

International Women’s Day

Grateful this

International Women’s Day

For my:

💜right to vote

💚reproductive freedom

💜access to education

💚freedom to marry who I choose, and to not marry at all

💜property rights

💚freedom to work

💜ability to gather with other women

💚daughters being raised in a time when they know their voices are powerful

💜independence

💚freedom to dress as I choose

💜feminist allies of all genders

💚fire in my belly

💜certainty that we will continue to be part of more and more positive change until systems operate from a basis of true equality for all people all over the world

💚ultimate mother, our planet Earth

💜great fortune at living in a time when so much hard work has already been done to make it possible for me to list all these things safely

💚privilege, and my awareness that I can use it to bust oppression

Attend your local IWD Rally! Gather in solidarity to celebrate and agitate!