New Years Day

Have you recovered from the pressure to have the world’s greatest party? Have you graduated to an age where you feel the pressure to be your most insightful, mature, growing self ever?

How tiring is growth?!

I’m sick of it. All those wonderful analogies of it being the pain of your seed cracking open, your wings unfolding out of the chrysalis… sometimes I just want to choose the cocoon.

Here’s where I confess to being a reformed Pollyanna.

I have had years of my twenties and thirties giving people the absolute shits for being always able to see the silver lining, for always being able to find the positive spin, for choosing optimism and positivity and gratitude.

But 2018 was the year of too much. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve lived pretty hard, the Pollyanna stuff was all about survival. It was a happy combination of an inbuilt sunny disposition, and a lot of hard work applying so much positive, vibration raising stuff, and being a very earnest learner and grower.

This past year, I simply got tired. I sometimes forgot to take my Activated B and my Magnesium. I let my gratitude and meditation practices slide. I felt into my pain a bit more than ever, and stayed there, because I was too tired to climb back up out of it.

Amongst this, I kept going in my life. Kept my happy face on. Kept being everything to everyone that I expected them to expect of me.

Then my heart broke a little bit more. And it hadn’t had time for it to fix properly from the times before. So I had a big crash.

Gardening helps, but where I live, it’s quite hot right now. And writing helps too.

There is lots of writing I already did. Lots I am yet to do.

This is a place where it can live.