“Mummy! Where are my toes? Where’s Garden Bunny? Where’s my orange blanket? Where are Mummy’s toes?”
We are going through a phase of 4:00 am existentialism.
It’s ok. I quite enjoy the window it gives me into the workings of Little One’s blossoming mind… although, I am glad that my strategy of hugging her quietly through her musings seems to shorten her wakefulness, rather than turning it into a full blown discussion by responding to her queries.
Such a relief really, when she drifts back off to a peaceful sleep and I kiss her soft curls and listen in wonder to her easy breath…
And then: here come the thoughts.
And then: here come some more.
And now: here come the thoughts about how I’m having thoughts and therefore must be awake… and could be asleep… and would be better off asleep…
And there ends any chance of me getting back to sleep.
I have a bag of tricks to dip into at such times – yogic breathing, body scan, counting backwards, ‘lying down meditation’ (you know how when you’re in sitting meditation you sometimes drift towards zzz – trying here to transfer this phenomenon to horizontal plane)… anyway, there’s something about that time of day, when the trees are still still, and you know that even at the coast the first glimmer of light hasn’t yet hit; but if the brain is awake, it goes into alert. None of the tricks seem to work.
I can still relax and allow my body to rest; but am I really getting the true level of replenishment I need to keep up with my daytime self?
Today, I’d wondered this for long enough that I had begun to tune in to the very beautiful sounds of the day awakening.
I could hear the trees starting to breathe more deeply as the birds began to rustle themselves awake and whisper to each other that the light was changing.
I could hear morning dew twinkling.
I could hear the low clouds that had blanketed the night thin themselves out and release a gentle morning rinse upon the earth (and my clothesline of nappies).
I could hear twigs and leaves drop to the ground as the birds got more active.
And then the singing.
So much singing. With such jubilance and clarity. I was inspired to get up and see if I could magic up a cup of tea to enjoy while it was still hot.
Oh the light!
I’ve long considered my sixty year old Rose bush at dusk to be my absolute favourite play of light. But today was pretty freakin special.
All my lying down meditation had me well primed to really soak in the wonder of how every single day the sun comes up.
I watched, from my corner lounge in the corner windows as the golden glow rose up from the east, easily visualising the glimmer it would now be casting over the ocean.
I breathed deeply, integrating into all my cells the gratitude at having this delicious solitude; just me and the dawning day.
What a sublime treat.
Inside the house, my old hound snores, all is quiet from the children’s bedrooms. Incense smoke unfurls, and my tea cup is warm in my hands. This is it.
The very here and now.
“Mummy where’s Garden Bunny?”
Little footsteps carry a little voice down the hall towards me, and the moment I am in is richer even than the one before, as I scoop up a bundle of pyjamas and golden curls and we snuggle into the bliss together.
Lucky lucky me!
(Written in thirty second spurts throughout the morning, long after the sun and Little One had risen).